Turning My Shadow Into My Muse
I will never forget February 2020. The days before the pandemic lockdown brought me a weekend of jarring introspection and overwhelming liberation.
In the midst of a weekend full of coaching training somewhere in the cool, air-conditioned conference rooms of downtown LA, I was tasked with presenting my “shadow” to a room full of aspiring coaches. My shadow, otherwise known as the voice in my head that would judge my actions, question my goals and always undermine my accomplishments. In preparation, I had been asked to create a visual representation of this shadow.
Candidly, at first, I couldn’t quite put a finger on this metaphorical shadow. It was incredibly difficult to decipher exactly what supposedly negative chatter was I hearing from “it” in my head. Was it bad to think that I could always do more? Wasn’t it good to always try to appear professional and accomplished - like I had my act together?
Long pauses and quietness. Crickets. And then. Then the patterns started to unfold.
Become an overachiever in college? Prove to the world I am capable.
Move to Silicon Valley, start a startup, raise funding? Prove to the world I am capable.
Run myself to the ground with my startup and not give up? Prove to the world I am capable.
Who was the “world”? To whom did I need to prove myself to?
Middle school. My English teacher walking around the classroom playing a self-imposed game of “Let me guess who you’ll become when you grow up.” “Well, you, Kerstin Karu, you’ll never become more than a draper, a curtain maker.” (Ironically, years later, my first investor became Tim Draper). More icy flashbacks from middle school. “Who do y o u think you are to dare to think that you can go study abroad?”
Photo by Krõõt Tarkmeel
The “world” was a middle school classroom. The “world” was also a room of investors questioning why and how a young immigrant woman was standing in front of them pitching her business.
A quick Google search for a photo of a classroom later, I had printed out a familiar image and glued it to a piece of cardboard. When it came to my turn to present in a room of to-be coaches, for the first time in my life, I burst into tears in front of a room full of strangers. I’d placed a finger on the force that I’d perceived as my superpower but that was, simultaneously, my kryptonite.
My restless inner Overachiever. Fueled by feelings of inadequacy — feelings of imposter syndrome.
Fast forward to June of 2023, working with a list of people struggling with similar shadows, I’ve come to conclude that every one of us has a mental shadow that was formed sometime between our childhood and early adulthood years narrating our actions and thoughts. Whether feeling the need to always achieve, strive for perfection, be the hero, or conquer emotions with rationale - to name a few of the common culprits.
Some of us have learned to train these shadows to work in our favor, whereas many of us are blind to their control and the feelings of anxiety, unease, insecurity, or mistrust that stem from them. The key lies in recognizing our shadows to be able to balance them.
If you fall into the latter camp, I hope my story will help you put a finger on the shadow that’s driving your sense of unease.
Here’s what you can do:
Acknowledge that your shadow exists. This step requires you to be honest with yourself. It's about noticing those feelings of inadequacy - of never doing, being, or having enough. These feelings are your shadow's way of announcing its presence.
Give it a name. Naming your shadow, like I named mine The Overachiever, allows you to grasp its essence, making it easier to address.
Trace its roots. Understanding your shadow's origins helps you grasp why it exists. Examine your past. Reflect on your interactions with parents, teachers, friends, and employers. These experiences might shed light on your shadow's 'birth'.
Reflect on how it shapes your life. Your shadow was created to safeguard you at some point in your life. How is it supporting the person who you are today?
Dare to transform it into your muse. The final step is the boldest - challenging yourself to transform this “shadow” into a source of inspiration. For me, it's about balancing my overachiever tendency with my core values rather than others' expectations. I ask my achiever to empower me to "Make my own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along." A shoutout to Cass Elliot for this empowering sentiment.
Allow yourself to try this guide to step into your voyage of self-understanding, and see firsthand the incredible metamorphosis that unfolds as you harness the power of your shadow.
- Kerstin Karu